Breaking News: John McCain was a POW; Who Knew???

McCain campaign insiders have just confirmed the rumors swirling around the campaign the past 24 hours: yes, John McCain was apparently a prisoner of war (POW) in Vietnam. . . . . My god! Who knew? All this time I thought he had made his name as a rodeo clown. What a shocker!!! By the way, did I mention he was a POW in Vietnam? This is an amazing development to be sure. All this time Americans were under the impression that somehow this unintelligent neanderthalic bar-brawler with an anger management problem had only married his way into riches and his first Congressional seat. Release of this fantastic news begs the question why John McCain and his campaign didn't let us know earlier that he had been a POW. After all, for these past 35 years I thought Bob Dole had been wearing a Lance Armstrong bracelet on his wrist. By the way, did I mention he was a POW? If only I had known. . .

John McCain's entire campaign has become a noun, a verb, and "POW." Why did he cheat on his first wife and then divorce her (family values at its purest), because he was a POW. Why wasn't he in the so-called "cone of silence" and did he get the questions to Reverand Warren's session ahead of time: he was a POW. Why couldn't he remember how many homes he actually owns? Surprise surprise, because he was a POW. Why does he get into fist-fights with members of his own political party? Answer: because he was a POW (although in this particular case, and in his defense, he may actually still think he's there and in his own mind be swinging at the VC so maybe this is understandble). I wonder: if John McCain stole a Winnebago and murdered a family of five, would it also be because he was a POW?

Last night I almost got sick watching McCain on Jay Leno. When Leno started to ask how many homes he owned McCain cut him off to say that he had spent five years in a tiger-cage somewhere. Really? That's your answer? Is it the dementia that's set in from those years that's making you forget your homes? Maybe we should pin a note with your home address on your chest just in case you get lost, "If found, please return this dottering old man to. . . "

What really upsets me though is that I didn't think of it first. Its the answer to everything! Got pulled over for a speeding ticket? I'm a POW. Bank foreclose on your home? I was a POW. Health insurance got cut off because you lost your job? I was a POW. In fact, I saw several people with that exact sign under the highway overpass on my way to work this morning. Its like the magic elixir you buy from a snake-oil salesman: it cures everything. To think I've wasted all these years in bars hitting on women by telling them I'm an astronaut and how big my johnson is, when I could have just been telling them I'm a POW. Next April I'm sending my 1040 forms into the IRS with the words POW stamped across it and declaring zero income. It's full proof!!!

Incidentally, how much credit are you supposed to get you for things you had entirely no control over? For example, if I get hit by lightening on the head and actually live, does that make me brave or just hard-headed? Because as far as I can tell McCain didn't exactly volunteer to be a POW. In fact, I really don't think he had much of a choice in the matter. Thats actually kind of the idea of being a POW, that you don't really have much say. I only ask because I had appendicitis once and it really hurt. That may not get me to the White House but I should at least be allowed to get a State Senate seat or something, right? For my bravery.

Being a POW or for that matter, being anything else, does not give you a "Get out of Jail free" card which obviates the need to answer for your actions, your policies, or more importantly their repurcussions on the country. Just because I'm a POW doesn't allow me to murder orphans. Just because I survived a war doesn't allow me to rob banks. And just because McCain was a POW doesn't allow him to lie to us and the American people nor become President of the United States. It does not clean up his record. It does not make his policies any better. Put simply, McCain being a POW doesn't pay my taxes, fix the economy, end the war in Iraq, cure cancer, better the environment, teach my kids to read, nor prevent other people from becoming POWs.

McCain's incarceration 40 years ago (in another war that was useless) is no substitute for actual policies and solutions to our nation's problems. His attempt to use it to avoid answering real questions or putting forth real programs that actually help Americans is an insult to our intelligence and belittles the bravery he would have us believe he possesses. Stop waving your red badge of courage in my face and answer the question. But he wont, because that would take real courage. . .