And Your Little Dog Too!!!

One of the general rules of being a Republican is that you have to violently and relentlessly rail against that which you actually are. Why is Sen. Larry Craig such a bigoted homo-phobe? Because he's gay. Why does Bill O'Reilly rail against moral and sexual improprieties? Because he's a pervert who writes kinky rape books and was sexually harassing his co-workers. Why was Rep. Mark Foley a crusader against child pornography and abuse as the chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children??? Well, because he was a pedophile of course.

Unfortunately, that has led me to one undeniable and very frightening conclusion: Sarah Palin is a witch. . . . Let that sink in. And no, I don't mean a "bitch"-witch in the sense of "oh Susie, that chick's such a witch!". I mean it in the proper classic sorcerer definition of the word "witch." Sarah Palin is a ride a broom, play with Merlin, black cats, Halloween, melt in water, green skinned, eat children in the woods, poison apples, good old-fashioned witch.

How else can you explain why Sarah Palin has participated in not only sermons and prayer services, but some sort of bizarre cult-ish witch exorcism with pastor Thomas Muthee from Kiambu Kenya. Muthee gained fame within Pentecostal circles by apparently defeating a local witch in Kenya, named (and I'm not kidding) Mama Jane, in a great magical wizardly battle. As a result of this shining victory over witchcraft, Muthee then appeared in Palin's Wasilla Assembly of God church in May, 2005, where he prayed over Palin and called upon Jesus to propel her into the governor's mansion and beyond. Muthee also implored Jesus to protect Palin from "the spirit of witchcraft." The video of that startling sermon can be seen on the links to the right.

The only logical conclusion to draw from this wizardly encounter is that Palin is either: (a) bat-shit crazy; or (b) a witch fearlessly flaunting her dark powers against an over-matched unsuspecting witch-hunter and his defenseless congregation. So be careful at the debate tonight Joe Biden. Bring your gypsy tears or Harry Potter or something because if you're not careful, Sarah Palin may just turn you into a newt or some sort of Alaskan frog.

Back in Business

My apologies to our readers for our absence these past two weeks. Unfortunately, the millions we rake in weekly from this blog aren't exactly enough to keep me going in the lifestyle to which I'm accustomed. Accordingly, I still have to hold down a day-job (horror of horrors) and had to travel on business for two weeks in order to prostitute myself to "the man."

However, I hereby make this solemen promise to you all: the day any of my loyal readers can actually get me paid for doing this, we'll never miss a day of news coverage and blogging again. With that, on with the show.

Palin Corruption

Another day, another Sarah Palin scandal. Only this one hits at the heart of what's wrong with the Republican party, Palin, and the government: simple financial corruption.

Seems that Governor Palin billed the tax payers of Alaska a "per diem" for 312 nights spent at home. As anyone in business or government knows, a "per diem" is an allowance intended to cover meals and incidental expenses while traveling on business; in this case the business of the State of Alaska. Apparently, Palin billed the tax payers for the "per diem" even when she was staying in at home with her kids. The more common term used to refer to this is "theft". Palin also billed the state over $43,000 to cover travel expenses for her husband and family between Wasilla and Juneau; also in violation of the rules.

I'm sure the Republicans will try and paint this as much ado about nothing. But they can't, this is personal corruption plain and simple. In the late '80s the head of the Alaska Commerce Department was forced to resign for billing the state $50 on one occasion when he was at home. Palin has done it 312 times. 312 People!!! What kind of lying thief even tries to do something that blatant!!! Someone who's governor and thinks she can get away with it, that's who.

Palin should not only be dropped from the Republican ticket, she should be impeached as Governor of Alaska.

Would Lincoln Lie to Your Face?

According to Dante Alighieri, the Eighth Circle of Hell is reserved for liars and frauds, those knowingly guilty of treachery, including corrupt politicians.

First and foremast in that hell are political liars of all forms. And this week's Republican National Convention gave us easily the largest, sickest, most twisted display yet of how large and brazenly insulting the new crop of lying politicians and political wonks striving to join those ranks truly is.

No clearer example of that type of straight in-your-face lying can be found than in Peggy Noonan's admission on MSNBC. Noonan, a conservative Republican writer for the Wall Street Journal, was being interviewed along with Mike Murphy by MSNBC's Chuck Todd regarding Sarah Palin. While the cameras were on Noonan bloviated on and on about how qualified and strong a Vice Presidential candidate and choice Palin was, how intelligent yet charming, how this was a stroke of genius by the McCain camp. Yet the second the cameras were off (but not her microphone unfortunately for her) she flatly admitted to Todd and Murphy that "its over" that McCain can't win because his VP choice was "no" not qualified. Let's be very clear: she sat there, looked into the camera, and intentionally lied to the entire country on camera. She intentionally tried to deceive every man woman and child with respect to the most important decision any American can make. And she did it because the GOP is paying her to do it. This sick, twisted excuse for a human being lied to our faces, insulting the intelligence of each of us in the process, to try and affect an election by helping her lying corrupt financial backers. Noonan, the Eighth Circle awaits lady. . .

The other lies of the Republican convention and each of the speakers who appeared are no less brazen for their in-your-face nature. Their lies, combined with a pliant news media who have long since given up their position as the "Fourth Branch of Government" acting as the objective "truth" referee for Americans, allows the GOP to get away with openly lying to the American public with impunity.

Unfortunately for the Republican party, I haven't been bought off yet (although I do have an account in the Caymans waiting if anyone wants to try). Accordingly, I am one of the few that will give you a succinct, easy to follow "cheat-sheet", pun intended, regarding the most obvious and easily verifiable lies spoken straight to us at the convention this week.


LIE: Governor Palin opposed the "Bridge to nowhere".
FACT: Palin actually campaigned for election in favor of the bridge and only re-directed the funds once the Federal Government had shut down the operation and taken away the funds.

LIE: Governor Palin never raised taxes.
FACT: Palin created the first ever sales tax on all forms of goods and services in Wassila, a highly regressive tax, in order to move off of property taxes. Incidentally, she left Wassila $26 Million in debt as a result.

LIE: Governor Palin opposed ear-marks spending
FACT: As Mayor of a city of only 6,000 Palin hired a Washington D.C. lobbyist to help obtain over $27 million dollars in funds for her town. That's $4,500 per person by my calculations; who says Republicans don't like welfare???

LIE: Governor Palin fired the Governor's "chef".
FACT: She just moved her to another job.

LIE: In her acceptance speech Palin said that as the mother of a "special needs" child she would help other special needs parents and families.
FACT: Palin slashed special needs programs in Alaska as governor.

LIE: Palin didn't take lobbyist money.
FACT: Fully 10% of Palin's campaign contributions came from BP, the oil company, and her campaign party was also sponsored by BP.

LIE: Barack Obama's tax plan will raise taxes on the middle class and poor.
FACT: Obama's tax plan reduces taxes on the lower middles class and poor, and only raises them on the top few percent in America. Incidentally, his plan is there for all to read on his website.

LIE: Barack Obama is Muslim.
FACT: Obama is a Christian and has been his entire life. He once went to a Christian school in Indonesia which the Republicans called a Muslim "madrasa." CNN went there, checked all the records, it never was.

LIE: Barack Obama was vacationing in an exclusive resort in Hawaii this summer.
FACT: Obama is from Hawaii, he was staying with a long-time friend who owns a beach home.

LIE: Sarah Palin challenged the corruption of Alaska politicians, even Republicans, including Senator Ted Stevens.
FACT: Palin was the head of Steven's Political Action Committee (PAC).

LIE: Sarah Palin is the most popular governor in America with over 80% approval ratings.
FACT: Palin's approval has dropped by over 20% in less than a year.

LIE: Sarah Palin: Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have "gotten too big and too expensive to the taxpayers."
FACT: Until today's bail-out, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were not owned by the taxpayers, they were private companies. (this is really too easy)

LIE: McCain and GOP: Drilling for Oil will lower gas prices.
FACT: The US owns less than 2% of the world's oil reserves, cannot get to the oil by drilling within less than 5-10 years, and without nationalizing those companies will not keep it only for the U.S. market. Possible impact after 10 years: $0.01/gallon. . ."Maybe" on a $4.00 plus gallon of gas.

LIE: McCain's energy plan calls for energy independence within 10 years and pays for it only by cutting "wasteful" Congressional earmarks.
FACT: Every ten year energy independence plan proposed would cost roughly a trillion dollars over ten years ($100BN/year); earmarks for all of 2008 were $18 Billion. Good luck with that.


Ladies and gentlemen, I could go on with these simple examples for hours. And I encourage all of my readers to go look these up to confirm their veracity. If I'm wrong anywhere, call me out and I'll publicly retract that Lie and apologize for it. But you won't find me wrong.

What you will find, if you look at the facts, is a sickening cancer in American politics that has the potential to destroy the very fabric of our country. What you will find is a group of highly paid, soul-less individuals lying to your face to protect and benefit their masters because that's what they're paid for. It's frankly no different than any actor or actress in Hollywood playing a role: they're getting paid to look into the camera and say something they know is not true because they're paid for it. Contrary to popular conversation, it is they that are the "elite." And they will continue to be paid and lie because their financial benefactors make billions by keeping the status quo as is. A status quo that rewards useless war, corporate corruption, doesn't tax infinite corporate profits, and then takes it out on the middle class and poor. But I digress. . .

My colleague and I usually agree that the obvious corrupt Republican politician (Karl Rove and Dick Cheney spring to mind immediately) is clearly on his/her way to the ignominious Eighth Circle of Hell; we actually disagree somewhat on where Sarah Palin would fit in (and yes, this IS actually what we discuss when the beer and Sunday NFL package run out). My friend points out that she is boldly and blindly lying to the entire country; her lies are in fact very easy to see as we've pointed out above. I, however, actually believe she's too stupid to actually realize the talking-points she's being given by the Rove-now-McCain handlers are lies; I don't think she can even get her small mind around the inconsistencies.

Tomato, "tomato" some might say. To a degree, I agree. What truly sickens me is this. The Republican party was started by Abraham Lincoln. "Honest Abe" as he was known. And yet this is what they've become: a party of knowingly corrupt liars, lying and corrupting the political system in order to benefit those among us who need the least of help from the government. Lying to shield a minor few from donating even the slightest bit to mankind for their fortunes. I apologize to my readers that I cannot myself put into words anything that could possibly do justice to the great orator that was Abraham Lincoln, but at least I'm not betraying his ideals. . . . . .

Redneck vs. Ignorant

As I watched the GOP Convention this evening it was exceedingly frightening for a variety of reasons. So many reasons that I can't even put them all down on paper yet; another longer blog will be forthcoming on those all too numerous issues shortly.

But as I and others groped for a way of simply and succinctly describing the unbelievable spectacle that befell us the term that kept coming up repeatedly, and coming up among Republicans themselves, was "redneck." "Liberals don't understand real America" they're the out of touch "Harvard elite" they screamed. "I'm not here for the Washington media" Sarah Palin herself belched. "I'm just a redneck" coming from Palin's own soon-to-be son-in-law. Viewers in the media and elsewhere saw the overwhelming old, white, and male consistency of that convention cheering on cries for the elimination of "big brother" from a party that taps every phone call and email you send and couldn't come up with anything more accurate.

But as I drew back from this admittedly vitriolic, cynical, uneducated, unthinking, I'm-an-ignorant-dunce-and-proud-of-it spectacle, I had to take umbrage with that characterization. I have to object to that characterization because it's firstly, not true, and secondly because Republicans are using it to try and cloud their own cruelty, ignorance and stupidity in order to win an election.

Accordingly, let me be very and abundantly clear: there is a difference between being a Redneck and being Ignorant. . . . . Let that sink in, because it's true. Very simply, being a Redneck does NOT mean being Ignorant. . . There is a very clear distinction between a Redneck and someone who's ignorant, and the Republican party is trying to muddy that line to make people believe they're the same. They're not. The Republicans on that stage tonight and in that crowd tonight, they were ignorant, they weren't Rednecks. They were unintelligent, uneducated, podunk, unthinking, bigoted imbeciles who, if they were dogs, would have been put down for their rabid hatred of anything or anyone deemed "other." It didn't matter if they were from the backwoods of Louisiana or the upper east side in Manhattan (as most of the actual GOP puppeteers actually are): they were Ignorant. Point blank, that's all. They're ignorant. The reason I am so staunch on the distinction is because Republicans are trying to hide their bigoted ignorance in some of the beauties of a Redneck. And they're doing it to get votes from people they laugh at, have no regard for, and will destroy afterwards.

According to Wikipedia, "Redneck" is a term which refers to a stereotype of usually rural, Caucasian people of lower socio-economic status in the U.S. originally associated with the Appalachians, and later the U.S. South, the Ozarks, the Great Plains and the Rockies. Comedian Jeff Foxworthy defines "redneck" as "a glorious lack of sophistication," stating "that we are all guilty of. . [it] . . at one time or another."

However, Redneck does NOT refer to a lack of intelligence, wit, political acumen, caring, heart, patriotism, generosity, or even higher education. It also does NOT refer to people of intolerance, low ambition, or bigoted in anyway. When Republicans associate the ignorance that was their convention last night with being a "Redneck" it's actually an unmitigated insult and slap in the face to every Redneck in America. They're trying to confuse their GOP ignorance with the long standing tradition of American "Rednecks"; maybe if they say they're "Rednecks" instead of just ignorant, stupid, and intolerant people, others will vote for them.

America has a long and proud tradition of great American Rednecks. And I say that without the least bluster, sarcasm or insult. Some of our greatest Americans were Rednecks: Benjamin Franklin; Andrew Jackson; Lyndon Johnson. Some may be shocked that I reference Ben Franklin. But that's just the point: he was a genius who acted the "Redneck" when it could help his country. As ambassador to France he quickly acted the role of a back-woods rustic, even wearing a beaver hat, in order to create an image that would open the wallets of French nobility and help the American revolution by bringing in French military intervention. That's a Redneck folks. A guy/gal who's brighter than you, better educated than you, but at the same time knows how to use the back-woods rustic appeal they grew up with to, for lack of a better term, "play" you for a greater good. Some of our finest current political strategists are also "Rednecks." Surely James Carville would qualify, and I love and respect him for it beyond even his ideas. Bill Clinton himself, it can be said, was at least a moderate Redneck; he certainly knew how to modulate his Arkansas drawl to good effect. And LBJ never gave up his good-ol-boy charm and intimidation when it needed to be there. That ladies and gentlemen is a Redneck. The list is long and distinguished. And it's a thing to take pride in and hope for as they have a history of challenging the status quo and moving this nation forward.

And that's what makes me sad tonight. Because what I saw tonight were no Rednecks. What I saw were just Ignorant, hateful, angry sops who are willing to say or do anything to anyone just to cling to power or make a buck, even if it means dooming their neighbor or their country. These are people who fundamentally don't care about you or me. They're people who want to enrich themselves by way of politics and rationalize it by telling themselves that if we're dumb enough to elect them, then we get what we deserve. They're Ignorant, not Rednecks. They're also cowards, no Redneck is. And they're a disgrace not only to this nation, but to this nation's long and honorable tradition of true, and wonderful, Rednecks.

Apology to our Readers

We, the Editors, must apologize to our readers of this blog. Not for anything we've actually written; we're actually quite pleased with the outrageous alleged things we post here. No, we have to apologize because we just can't keep up with the Palin scandals. I mean realistically people, we've got jobs too so we can only post things here maybe once a day. At this rate, new Palin scandals are breaking at a rate of about one an hour. We just can't keep up! We're overwhelmed!!! Here's the latest scandal and we'll certainly do our best to cover them all but we need a stock ticker at this point, not a blog. Thank you for your understanding.

The Editors.

Latest controversy as of 1:45 PST: http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/story?id=5713866

SWF Seeking Mr. Right

"Hey yall!!! How you fellas doin? I'm new to this whole Match.com internet dating thing so be gentle -- just kidding, not too gentle ;-)

My name's Sarah yall. Let's see, what can I say about myself. Well, I've never tried this before but figured I would 'cuz I'm gettin' divorced from my husban. We were married for a long time but then I got this whole VP thing (which apparently is, like, a really big deal so I really wanna' do it because it would be cool) and it turns out my husband was an eskimo. Eww, like who knew? That just won't fly these days.

Anyhow, I'm from Alaska and I'm kinda the outdoorsie type. I like hiking and shooting wild animals with my rifle; so you better be packin' a big gun too if you know what I mean (just kidding, but not really). My favorite is hunting wolves. Nothing like being in the great outdoors with the singular mano-a-mano challenge of fighting a wild animal in nature on its own terms; I especially like hunting them down from a helicopter. That's the best.

Anyhow, I like run one of the fifty states (I won't say which until I meet you). Which is really cool because anyone messes with me and I can, like, have them arrested. Like this one time, my sister got divorced and her ex was being a real douche so I had him fired. And when the chief of police said "well why?" I like had him fired too. That was cool. Don't mess with the Palin bitches!!!

Anyway, where was I. I'm really religious and stuff so don't be like non-religious or like Muslim or anything; no way man. Although I do have a small flag of Israel in my office because when God smashes the Jewish people down then the rapture will come and we can all go to heaven and like hang with Jesus. That'll be rad. I bet Jesus is cool. Any how, oh, I also really hate fags because they're like gay and shit and I can't stand that, just nasty. Although I did make out with a chick once. . . Ok, I like had sex with her and my ex but we were doing a lotta' blow so that doesnt count. And the bitch never even called back. Anyway, don't be gay. Although if you're reading this you probably aren't. How you like my bikini? These puppies are real bitches!!! I was a beauty queen, can't you tell?

Oh, you also have to like kids because I've had several and I wasn't able to drown them all (just kidding). No really, I abandoned one but it found its way back. Kind of like those dogs that like find their owners from across the country. And it was so cute when it crawled back to the doorstep that I had to keep it. Oh, and one of them's retarded. But I don't think it's really mine because I think my husband knocked up my first daughter and that's where it really came from.

Anyway, hit me back up, can't wait to meet some nice single men. If you're lucky you can come with me to St. Paul for the convention!

Love, Sarah"

Hey Mom, I'm A Slut!!!

In order to fight the malicious left-wing rumors that Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, was actually the biological mother of her latest son (born in April), and that somehow Palin had faked the pregnancy to cover for her daughter, Palin staffers issued a statement that Bristol, age 17, was actually five months pregnant.

Woops. . . Hey Sarah, how those abstinence-only sex-ed programs workin' out???

Ok hold on, on a serious note, I'm confused. Let me get this straight: in order to fight the rumors that Sarah Palin's daughter is an underaged slut who got knocked up, you publicly admit that she's an underaged slut who got knocked up? Am I missing something here?

Ohhh, I see. You were fighting the rumors that the mother was covering for her. It's the "cover up" that you wanted to debunk; as if that's really what we cared about.

The real story here isn't that Sarah may have lied to cover for her daughter; even if true, it would be pretty understandable. The story also isn't that her daughter is an underaged ho-ho who got knocked up in the back of some pick-up truck like a common hussie. The real story is how craven Sarah Palin is and how easily she's willing to throw her own daughter under the public bus to spare herself from the vague unsubstantiated allegation that she was covering up for her daughter. It shows us that Sarah Palin will destroy her own daughter's reputation to avoid even the slightest rumor of some impropriety to Sarah herself. Keep in mind, they didn't release this news until after rumors spread that Sarah Palin herself was lying about her newborn son. Also keep in mind they insist on telling everyone Bristol is five months pregnant to "prove" Bristol couldn't have given birth in April too. They're not doing this simply to publicize that Bristol happens to be pregnant; they could have done that last weeek. They're doing this to prevent people from saying that Sarah Palin herself might have been misleading us by covering for her daughter; that Sarah "might" have lied. Sarah Palin would rather publicly humiliate Bristol than take any heat herself no matter how absurd the allegation. Ladies and gentlemen, Republican "family values" at their finest.

As I've said, the point of this is obviously not to point out that Bristol Palin is a whore. Nor to spread the unsubstantiated rumors that her daily wardrobe includes knee-pads or that she's bedded the entire football team; both JV and varsity. Not even to reveal that they allegedly tatooed the word "Schwin" on her ass because she's the most ridden object in town. It's not even to call for most of lower Alaska to submit to a blood test so we can figure out who the father is, or to discuss her forthcoming career as a porn fluffer in Chattsworth. No, we do not partake in schaedenfreude here.

What we do want to know, however, is why is it always Republicans who are getting knocked up by some hillbilly in the back seat of a Chevy after drinking a case of Pabst? Why is it always the supposed "family values" goons who have to lecture everyone else about morality while secretly giving it to their gay neighbor? Here's an idea, maybe if you were actually running your own family instead of trying to tell me how to run mine this kind of thing wouldn't happen! Still think Palin is the "family values" queen??

Sarah Palin should have just ignored the cover-up rumors and moved on; no one was taking them seriously until now. Instead she threw her daughter and unborn grandchild under the bus of public approbation to avoid any hint of impropriety in her own political career. And really for what gain? To spare herself from what? From being accused of loving her daughter so much that she'd cover up her mistake? No worries of that now. . . .